Let’s see if there are any music aficionados in the room. What’s the next line to these lyrics: “Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, _______ __ ___ ______ ____ ___.”
The song, “Stuck in the Middle with You,” was written by Stealers Wheel in 1973 and immediately struck a chord with listeners. It made a comeback in the ‘90s when it was featured as part of The Resevoir Dogs Soundtrack.
They weren’t singing about disciple making, but the parallels are undeniable. Have you ever been stuck in the messy middle of disciplemaking?
You prepare well for your meeting and they show up disengaged. They say they want to grow, but don’t spend time in the Bible or in prayer. They confess a struggle, but then they disappear for a month. You ask what God is doing in their life and they shrug. Or they do everything you ask, but something just feels off and you can’t see any actual growth. In each case, you know something needs to change, but you’re unsure what it is or how to move forward.
If so, you know the feeling as described by the song, “Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you, And I'm wondering what it is I should do, It's so hard to keep this smile from my face, Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place…”
“Stuckness” in the middle of disciplemaking is a common experience—especially if you practice tool-based discipling—where the path isn’t scripted or standardized. It’s not just a bad thing. Getting stuck means that you expect movement. It means you’re carrying some responsibility for how the disciplemaking relationship is going. And it means that you recognize it should be going better.
Don’t mistake common for safe, though. Getting stuck in disciplemaking is a dangerous place to be. Some disciples and disciplemakers never make it out. The messy middle brings up lots of difficult questions such as:
What does this say about me?
• Am I bad at this?
• Did I push too hard? Not hard enough?
• Did I invite the wrong person?
What does this say about them?
• Do they lack commitment?
• Don’t they really want to grow?
What does this say about disciplemaking in general?
• Maybe it only works with a few people?
• Maybe it doesn’t work at all?
• Maybe group ministry is the best way to go, after all it’s easier and people seem hungrier for it?
If you’re stuck in the mess, you don’t have to stay there.
The mess is a test.
You can get out, learn from it, and hopefully avoid it altogether next time. Here’s how:
1. (Re)Set Direction – Initiate a discussion about what this disciplemaking relationship is all about. Invite the disciple to assess how things are going from that perspective. Get clear on what’s most important. Align what you do to the calling God has given you. If you didn’t set it well at the start, then you can set it now. The common direction and assessment allows you to move forward together. It also allows you to celebrate the progress you’ve made.
2. Deepen Connection – The middle can get messy when we lack vision for the person we’re discipling. Often, vision lags because connection has lapsed. The disciplemaker needs to be close enough to know what’s going on in the life of the disciple. What’s challenging them in their life? In their relationships? What’s struggles are they experiencing? If everything is calm, then are there areas where contentment is threatening progress in their relationship with Jesus or with others?
When connection is lacking, asking these questions isn’t enough. The disciplemaker needs to be close enough to see what the disciple cannot. He needs to feel the struggles, so that he can wrestle with God about how to help this child of God move forward.
3. Enhance Tension – Relationships with healthy tension go somewhere. Picture the disciplemaking relationship as a rope. One end is held by the disciple, the other by the disciplemaker. One of the disciplemaker’s jobs is to make sure there’s not too much slack in the rope. If the disciplemaker isn’t stewarding the relationship then it’s easy for the disciple to think there’s no one really on the other end. Sometimes the disciplemaker can tell the disciple has let go of the rope. Appropriate tension communicates to the disciple that we are going somewhere and can feel the prodding of the disciplemaker. If they are pulling away or in a different direction then it’s time for another set direction conversation. If you are leading the way, it’s easier for them to follow and stay with you.
Being stuck in the middle with a disciple isn't the end of disciplemaking—it's just a test. Disciplemakers who produce fruit over the long haul don’t avoid the mess.
Reset direction. Deepen connection. Enhance tension. Three moves. None of them require a new curriculum, a better disciple, or a miracle. They require you to act. To be present, prayerful, and courageous so that the stuck doesn’t become permanent.
The next time you feel stuck, don't look for an exit. Be present for the test. It will make a difference.